I’m learning new things about body expereince as I pass through the interest life phase of menopause. I wake up at night with body sensations that could easily be labeled as anxiety — yet I don’t feel anxious. Or I feel a pressure, an internal beating, a drive …toward what I don’t know.
Often I’m awakened by these sensations and lie there “watching” them, noticing them, irritated at them, wanting them to go away so I can go back to sleep and get some rest. Yet my body has a life of it’s own and is being orchestrated through this phase of life regardless of my wishing it to be different.
The times when I can get curious and be more interested in the process are when I end up feeling grateful for all the exploration I’ve done inside myself up to this point. I can certainly see why menopausal women have gotten a bad rap. It’s extrordinarily easy to translate these wide ranging sensations as emotional upset or unease. These sensations of anxiety or chaos or turmoil could push me into an emotional reaction.
Instead I’m practicing watching the push-pull inside me, this drama of fires burning and winds raging and soundless cacophony.
How much of our everyday dramas are propelled by these underground terrains that we have not yet learned to ride? What if we learned a different language translating the internal vibrations and movements into something that isn’t personal, isn’t about drama?
This coming year I’m making explicit a practice I’ve been doing for the last couple years. This year, 2012, I’m practicing not taking life personally. When things happen inside me, around me, to me, I’m practicing seeing it for what it is, becoming curious about it, and having it not mean anything about me. Nothing good — and more importantly, nothing bad.
Not taking things personally is a tough undertaking for someone as caring and sensitive, such you are.
I have learned over the years that the key to this practice is; to clearly and firmly know and believe the truth of who you are. I had a childhood of shame, humiliation, taunting and rejection from many outside sources, but I had the shield of hearing an internal voice repeating the mantra, “I am not who they say I am.” I think this addresses the Inside/Outside concept you were writing about? I believe if you have a secure knowledge of who you are, what goes on around you on the outside is easier to deflect.
More recently,the times I have been hurt or devastated have been when my shield has been down when those I trust or love have taken me by surprise. Now, it seems life/people rocks me instead of knocks me down because my inner work (with you) has allowed me to build a stronger voice and sense of who I am. The practices you have taught me also allows me to simply “notice” the stirrings and changes from within and go with it more easily than fight it.
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It’s extraordinary that you were able to maintain the sense of self given the environment you describe. It’s wonderful to hear how the practices you’ve learned have helped you build a stronger voice and sense of yourself. I’m honored I have been a part of your journey.
On the other hand, I agree, the hardest times are when we let down our shield and others take us by surprise. What’s worse is when they don’t make any repair or seem to understand that a repair is important.
Sending you many, many blessings and an upcomng year of love and joy,
deirdre
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