“Deirdre, this note is long overdue… Every month I wait for your email feeling reassured by your words and supported by the practices you provide.  I learn and practice something every month that makes a difference as I live each and every day.  It’s an incredible guide.”  ~ K.( Australia)

It’s those kinds of notes that keep me on track, wanting to support you and encourage you.  You can feel better.  You don’t have to feel stuck. 

Change can come. 

When it comes slowly  it comes surely, one step at a time. 

The last Becoming Safely Embodied Course I led was close to two years ago.  Many of you have asked when I’ll be doing another one.  

Frankly, it’s because of people like you and the comments you make that inspire me to keep putting these groups together.   Here another note I received: 

“Thanks for each monthly ezine.  They make a difference as I learn to become more positive and less depressed.  Today I was triggered by some event that happened and I didn’t know what to do.  The next day your email arrived.  It was on imagining new possibilities.  At first I scoffed and thought, right, what difference would this make?  Kind of out of desperation I tried the practice you suggested.  I didn’t notice a big change at first but as I kept at it I found myself less activated and more able to find some hope.  Thank you!”  ~S (Boston area)

I’ll be sending out the March ezine in just a little bit.  But in the meantime I wanted to let you know that the BSE course will be starting in a month or two. 

I also wanted to give you some links to more general information on using teh BSE skills.  Click here to read how to use the BSE skills with fear states. 

By this point, it’s probably clear to you that I spend time thinking of ways to help, support, and encourage people like you.    

A couple years ago when I did the first online version of the Becoming Safely Embodied skills I jumped into the unknown not knowing what it would be like.  I knew I wanted something that you could access 24/7 wherever you are, whenever you need the support and help.  I still want that. 

Putting these courses together is a big task, mostly because I want to make sure you get as much value as you can from the course and practicing these skills. 

My hope and wish for you would be that you not only feel the changes inside you

but that you also notice the difference in your everyday life. 

People tell me that I give a lot of information in each course.  That can be good in that you get a lot of value.  It can also be overwhelming if you feel like you don’t have time for it all!

This year I decided I would give away some of the essential pieces of the Becoming Safely Embodied Course in a free mini-series.

To sign up for the upcoming (soon to be released but the date hasn’t been set yet) …..

FREE mini series of the Becoming Safely Embodied Skills Course click here

I’m putting the final touches on the pieces and will get them out to you as soon as I can.

I so appreciate your trust in me.  It only makes me want to make everything better!

Robert Karen wrote that attachment is “a theory of love and love’s central place in human life.” Using the current information on attachment and shame, this workshop will explore the newest generation of attachment theorists taking into account that attachment wounding happens before narrative memory develops, and shame is completely embedded in excruciating physical sensations. This complicates psychological repair by often cementing the agonizing aloneness that people feel but can’t share even in therapy.  We’ll look at ways to remap old, non-verbal encoded patterns through making the non-verbal explicit, expanding secure connections to remap social contact, and harnessing physiological reactive cycles to explore new choices.

“What day is it,?” asked Pooh.
“It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
“My favorite day,” said Pooh.”

thanks Judi Zoldan my colleague and friend in Belmont, MA  for posting this and reminding me of the simple, precious things of life.

The artist, Deb Koffman, created this installation “Love-Hate.”  I’m a big fan of all of her work  which takes internal dynamics and makes them visually compelling.

I love the shift in perspective that the outside words indicate.  Turn the dial and you can have a different perspective – a different response to whatever is in the middle.

Orienting from the “resist” perspective we resist and fight against what’s in the middle of the circle.

Turn the dial only slightly and we are orienting from the “Honor” perspective.  Quite a different point of view, isn’t it?

What a thoughtful way to explore whatever is in the middle of our attention.   I’m thinking of a conversation I need to have with a colleague.  Sitting with it in meditation today I found myself weaving through all kinds of parts inside, moving through the cycle.  I was aware of parts that were  judging her, other parts judging me, parts resisting, honoring, appreciating her perspective, annoyed by having to have the conversation, grateful for having to have the conversation.

Deb Koffman’s art installtion gives a graphic description of what goes on inside us as different parts have different responses.

Who is the one who is watching the play of parts/feelings inside?

Practice

Taking a step back from the circle we can contact our own sense of self, which in Internal Family Systems  language is “self energy.”

Practice stepping back from your own circle.

Who do you encounter inside you.

Notice as you step back if you are experiencing any of the love-hate circle.  If so, separate from those parts, step back, and find your own self energy.  In IFS language, self energy is composed of qualities like calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness.  You might have others you want to add to that mix:  authenticity, generosity, kindness.  The list can go on.

As you feel even a tiny bit of any of those positive qualities notice the difference in your experience toward whatever you have in the center of your attentional circle.

Post a comment below and let Deb and I know how you are using this “love-hate” art installation that she created.

This morning I was chatting with my “special friend” about the difference between men and women’s processing styles.

Men resemble waffles

His view is that a man’s process resembles a waffle – they go from box to box in a linear fashion. He sees men as going in to one box at a time, focusing on that one task first before moving in to the next box. These boxes can be “work” box, “to do” box, “home” box, and “relationship” box – to name a few. He said he can see outside of the box he is in to the other waffle boxes around, but keeps his focus right in the box where he is.

He then totally cracked me up when he said there really is such a thing as a “nothing” box. This is the box that men hang out in between the other boxes and they are just doing nothing. So when a woman asks a man what he is doing and he replies, “Nothing” my friend reported that is the absolute truth. Nothing!

Women are more like a mound of spaghetti

I asked him how he saw women and their processing style and he described it as a “mound of spaghetti.” “Women have all these lines that are crossing over each other and are all connected. They are all talking to each other and reaching out to many other places and directions. Men, for the most part, cannot do that.”He did say that some men can more easily connect to the feminine side of themselves but that is typically not the norm for men as a general population. He sees women as connected to everything.

Asking the horses what they thought about all this

I thought a lot about his comments and decided I would take this view to the main ladies in my life:  Moonbeam, Asante, and Thera. These ladies are horses and always have very powerful words of wisdom to share. They are each very different in their styles of being, sharing and communicating – not only with humans but with each other as well.

 Moonbeam

Moonbeam is the leader in this herd of 6 horses at WolfTree Ranch. I have known her for about 8 years. She is a smaller bay colored horse and is half Arabian. She has a long flowing mane and very thick forelock and beautiful, to the ground, wavy tail. I observe her often, especially in how she manages this herd family.

Her style as a leader is pretty laid back in that she truly allows each member of her family to be themselves. She never tries to change them or their behavior, but sees and encourages each of them and the special gifts they bring to her herd. She holds the space for each one of them. She is very loving and nurturing and cares for each one of them.

When I asked  about her style of feminine flow she responded that, “It is about speaking your Truth.” She said, “I have a proud voice and I speak IT when Spirit speaks through me.”

In reading this, some may interpret her words as she speaks loudly or forcefully…well she does have a very powerful whinny but that is usually saved for reminding me she is hungry and I am late feeding her breakfast or calling to another horse to find out where they are. In fact though, the picture she shows of herself is radiating waves of beautiful white light that extend unendingly from her body.

She notes the “spaghetti” metaphor, but instead shows waves of flowing light which extend to All and Everything. Her body is standing very firmly and proudly and she can see, hear and know ALL that is occurring around and beyond. This flow is the way she connects with everything and everyone.

 Asante

As I pass the microphone to Asante she shows a different picture.

Before I share her wisdom, it is important for readers to know her story. Asante joined our herd this past summer. She is a large French Warmblood and is ebony black with a white blaze on her face and two white socks on her hind legs. Asante was a show jumper and her previous owner shared her history as one who always said “Yes” to anything that was asked of her.

No matter how high the jump was or the difficulty of the course, Asante performed and performed well. You may well wonder, “So what’s wrong with that?” Well, due to her work ethic she ignored a serious leg injury and kept pushing through it. She never showed the trainer how badly she was hurting. She just kept pushing through the pain to please everyone around her.

When she finally showed some of the pain she was given a simple anti-inflammatory drug to keep her comfortable. And she kept on performing.

One day however, her physical body gave way and it was discovered that one of her hind ligaments was totally destroyed.

Thus the end to her show career and the end of her current identity. When Asante joined us, I saw her immediately looking to please and doing whatever was asked of her.

I reminded her that she can say “No” if she wants to. I swear that horse looked at me like, “Really?! I am allowed to do that???” From then on, she took that to heart and has constantly taught our clients who come out to the ranch for equine facilitated psychotherapy sessions, about the ability to say “No” when necessary.

When I ask Asante about The Feminine Flow she focuses on this lesson of “Saying Yes when you mean No.” She then shows a picture of when she is in that old pattern, she finds herself pulling inside or constricting who she is so that she completely disappears. In that place, her needs do not count and do not matter. She is holding her breath.

This visual is wonderful to me because the other thing she does so often with clients is take huge sighing breaths in their presence. I have learned that when she does this, she is trying to get the client’s attention about something and usually that is reminding them to breathe and expand.

 Thera

Thera is a Mustang mare who also came to live with us this summer. She is a member of the Pryor Mountain Mustang herd in Montana. This is a very special herd of Mustangs who are genetic descendants of the Spanish Conquistadors horses that came to America in the late 1400′s. This herd has maintained all the characteristics of their Ancestors – size, gate and markings.

So Thera is a very small horse and she is dun in color with a dark line down her back that extends from the base of her mane to her tail. Thera is still learning to trust humans and is only now beginning to reach out and touch.

Her presence is very different from the other horses in that the space around her always feels like it is on fire. It took me awhile to get used to this as it always felt like she was about to lift off.

When I invite Thera to share her perspective on The Feminine Flow, I hear the words “Holding Your Ground.” She shows a before and after picture of herself. The before picture is her standing in a very rooted position with her body totally at alert attention. It is very rigid in appearance and reminds me of a fight/flight stance.

The second view is Thera standing very grounded but with a flowing energetic boundary. The strength is there. The powerful presence is there and yet it is also softened by the flowing waves of her boundary versus the rigid, bunker style from before. Currently she is very much in this transition from defensive mode into a way of being aware with engaged, curious, flowing boundaries.

 Internal Tempo – Internal Truth

All three of these equine sages refer to an “Internal Tempo” or “Internal Truth” that they are aware of and exist within. They describe it as “…reset[ing] to balance in the speaking of the word(s).

The Word(s) are Spirit as me and me as Spirit. I am proud and strong and still in this space. This is the Feminine Power.”

Each of these Feminine Spirits share their story, their learning and their growth in ways that we, as women, can relate to.

How many of us have just said “Yes” because it was easier or didn’t want to cause waves or ruffle feathers?

How many of us have pulled all those special parts of ourselves that make us the unique beings we were intended to be, deep inside because of fear or uncertainty?

How many of us have experienced trauma or upsetting events that resulted in maintaining a war like state we present to the outside world just to protect ourselves?

Can we allow our spaghetti to shift into the soft, sure flow of energetic waves to expand throughout and beyond?

These wise women do it. Let’s follow their Hoofbeats in this Feminine Flow.

Sara B. Willerson, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Pilot Point, TX, where she incorporates equine facilitated psychotherapy into her work with clients. Together with her equine partners, they invite all ages to come and experience the healing power of the horse outside of the traditional office setting. For more information please visit their website: www.horsesheartandsoul.com

   I have had the good luck to be friends with and taught by someone who is an extrodrinary  yoga teacher.  Thomas Amelio [Shivananda] taught me about Advaita yoga in the 1980′s.  A long time monk who is now a layperson.  Currently a teacher in the New York City area you can check out his site by clicking here.  This guest post below is from Thomas.  I’m delighted to share his wisdom with you in his blog post below.  

“Fantasy and imagination is a product of the body. The energies that bring forth the fantasies derive from the organs of the body. The organs of the body are the source of our life, and of our intentions for life, and they conflict with each other. Among these organs, of course, is the brain. And then you must think of the various impulses that dominate our life system—the erotic impulse; the impulse to conquer, conquest and all that; self preservation; and then certain thoughts that have to do with ideals and things that are held up before us as aims worth living for and giving life its value and so forth.”

I heard Joseph Campbell, in an interview say this quote above some years ago. At the moment I heard it I thought it an odd statement. The organs in conflict? The kidney fighting against the liver? The lungs against the stomach?  Later it occurred that Campbell was well-versed in Eastern philosophy and was also referring to the Chakras–plexuses in the “subtle” body, that embody various aspects of our psyche. The Chakras can be taken as metaphysical realities, or simply as metaphors of varied human impulses and expressions.

There are a lot of terms, in modern times, associated with Chakras–”balancing,” “harmonizing,” “aligning,” etc. I find that students are confused by such terms. It might be helpful to think of each Chakra as an aspect of ourselves that has its own agenda and purpose which are sometimes at cross-purposes.

Forgetting about chakras for the moment, think about how many of us decide to take up,say,an exercise program on a regular basis,  but stray from our resolve in order to remain in the secure, familiar and comfortable patterns. In Chakra language you could say your third Chakra (energy, resolve) seeks the energy and strength needed to fulfill and complete the creative ideas of the fifth Chakra (creativity and calling). In this case the fifth and third chakra are working together, but the first and 2nd chakras are pulling for a warm familiar feeling of security (first chakra) and pleasure/comfort (2nd Chakra).

But why bother putting things in the language of the Chakras?

Why not just work with the conflicting impulses through known psychological and self improvement techniques?

You can, of course.

The main benefit  of being aware of Chakras is that you can then apply tried and true yogic practices to first uncover the agendas of your Chakras, and then to make direct energetic change in these areas.

The key word here is “energetic.” Once you understand Chakras well enough you can make direct changes–through sound, mantra, breath, concentration, and meditation–that can immediately reveal a greater harmony–a working together–of the impulses that previously were in conflict. Very often intellectual and psychological insight follows spontaneously, without the need for the usual analytical process.

Easy Exercise

An easy exercise is to breathe deeply while you imagine energy rising along the spine starting at the coccyx, then to the areas of: the reproductive organs, solar plexus, center of chest, throat, point between eyebrows, and finally the top of the head.

Hold the breath at the top of the head for a moment, and let the breath descend back down the spine in reverse order. You can even imagine light going up and down the spine as you do this.

Do at least seven of these breaths up and down the spine, paying close attention to any changes in energy as you do this. You can end this practice with an Ommmm sound, or any other sound, from any tradition, that appeals to you. Try this for seven days and you might also want to write a few lines daily about it.

For those of you who can come to my drop in class tomorrow, Tuesday night, we’ll deepen this inquiry about Chakras, and of course, I cover a full fledged Chakra meditation in most of my class series at the NY Open Center, Dobbs Ferry, etc.

Blessings on your practice!
Thomas

Last week Tom Ashbrooke  had an intriguing conversation on his NPR radio show about the Ability to Forget

Much of the conversation centered on the value of forgetting without clinging to memories which is an enormous change from the previous 100 years of psychology.  This change that Dr. Mike Anderson and other cognitive neuroscientists  are inviting us into is to explore not delving into every repressed memory, a radical change for many of us brought up on Freud.    

The idea they present is that it’s not about not dealing or processing the unpleasant, traumatic material but rather the ”judicious dumping of memories” that are not necessary and supporting the functioning of the mind’s ability to switch off the ruminating, difficult thoughts.

Regarding we have known for years that it’s important to reduce the intrusive memories that undermine our capacity to have a full and satisfying life. 

Ingrid Wickelgren writes a blog for Scientific American and Alison Winter   from the University of Chicago brought their thinking to the subject.  

One thing they brought out which was worth exploring is how to shift memory such as re-associating new, more positive things with specific memories that you no longer which to have. 

What it does bring up is the importance of cultivating a focused and concentrated mind where we can turn our attention to something we want to focus on without have other memories or thoughts intrude in a disruptive way. 

If you’d like some support in training your heart and mind to focus I’d love to have you join us in the next round of the Embodied Practices Course  starting January 27, 2012.  For more information click here.          To read what others have said about the course click here. 

To listen to the call click here

This guest blog was written by Bret Lyon who will be presenting a workshop on Healing Shame   in the Boston area May 19 & 20, 2012.   Click here for more information. 

Anatomy of a Freeze – or Dorsal Vagal Shutdown

(Drawn from Steven Porges and Peter Levine)

In order to sustain life, the body has two complementary nervous systems: a Sympathetic (arousing) and a Parasympathetic (calming). Both are needed not only for psychological balance, but for survival. Without a Parasympathetic modification, the heart would beat too quickly to sustain life.

Ideally there is a smooth balance between the two, a gentle collaboration. The Sympathetic is dominant in exertion, exercise, athletics, emotional and sexual arousal as well as stressful situations.

The Parasympathetic takes over in relaxation, sleep, meditation, massage, gentle touch, connecting deeply with another person, nurturing – both nurturer and nurtured.

When stress is very great, the Sympathetic system automatically goes to a fight or flight response. This is built in to the system. It can happen in response to external threat or the perception of threat.

Either fighting or fleeing can resolve the stress.

If neither is possible or successful, the sympathetic arousal can get so extreme that it is too much for the body to handle.

At this point, we have a failsafe survival mechanism. The Parasympathetic system spikes. It comes in so strongly that it overwhelms the Sympathic arousal and sends the person into a state of Freeze. This can be full collapse, dissociation, or a more partial freeze such as inability to think clearly or access words or emotions, or move parts of the body.

This can be momentary, short term – such as a possum freezing and becoming reanimated after the predator leaves, or, in humans, continue indefinitely.

Stephen Porges has focused his attention on the Vagus Nerve, one of the largest nerves in the body and a major part of the Parasympathetic system.

The Vagus has two branches: dorsal (back) and ventral (front). The Dorsal Vagus is a large, primitive

nerve, which is common to all animals, including fish. I goes down the spine and has a role in controlling our lungs, hearts (moderating heartbeats so they don’t get too rapid) and stomach (where it actually aids digestion).

It is prominent in sleep and relaxation – i.e. when we lie on the beach in the sun. It is very active in the “diving reflex” that allows marine mammals to hold their breaths for long periods of time.

A cultivation of the reflex has allowed humans to set records of over 6 minutes under water.

Normally, the Dorsal Vagus serves a very positive function. It helps the body gently pendulate between arousal and relaxation. However, when the Sympathetic is too aroused, the Dorsal Vagas nerve can shut down the entire system and we go into freeze. This is most common in trauma and shame, which is developmental trauma.

The Ventral or front Vagus Nerve is a much more recent addition. It is common to mammals, who raise live young, not reptiles, birds or fish. It goes directly to the muscles of the face and helps determine expression and is active in social engagement.

When the Ventral Vagal is active we seek and initiate social contact.

Social engagement for mammals is a way of activating the Parasympathetic system. Ventral Vagal social engagement – or attachment behavior – is a way to prevent and come out of Dorsal Vagal Shutdown.

When it comes to eating and weight related issues I suspect that many of us think that Manager-led eating and focusing upon weight loss is the way to go.  This is the epitome of the Diet Mentality.  Absent here, is respect for and trust in the body.

 The January 1, 2012 cover story on the NY Times Magazine, by Tara Parker-Pope, The Fat Trap   made big waves. 

The upshot of her article is that the body’s biology prevents it from maintaining weight loss after a diet, unless one is vigilantly restricting, monitoring and exercising in excessive managerial mode for the rest of one’s life.  She helped many lifetime dieters consider that their repeated failures are not about lack of willpower or blame, but what actually happens, when by restriction and intense exercise, a person loses significant weight in a short amount of time. …. That’s what diets are about. 

As someone who admittedly struggles with weight, her conclusion was not to lose hope in diets, but to increase her intense daily exercise to 90 minutes!  Oy!  I call this METABOLIC MANIPULATION DISORDER.

 In the 1970’s some started challenging the diet mentality, saying that diets do not work.  From Don Gerrard, One Bowl, 1974, and Suzie Orbach, Fat is a Feminist Issue, 1978, on up to Geneen Roth, and Ellyn Satter, the message is that one can be at peace with food, listen to and trust the body’s signals, and in doing so, the body will gradually come to homeostasis.  It can be called conscious eating, mindful eating, intuitive eating, or attuned eating.  We are all born with this ability.  

I have been teaching this approach for 32 years, helping people to redirect their attention to the quality of their relationship with food and to how they eat.

I am still amazed at how revolutionary it is, and how much impatience and resistance there is to practicing this respectful and gradual way of responding to the body’s signals. 

Certainly the Diet Mentality keeps many people in business.  It feeds the economy.  Many are highly invested in maintaining the myth that our bodies are not good enough and need to be controlled by external dictates. Naomi Wolfe said, “Dieting is the most potent political sedative in women’s history.”

Until I studied Internal Family Systems, however, it was a challenge to explore this resistance.  Self-led Eating is the marriage of mindful/attuned eating and IFS. 

The IFS model is an elegant process of getting to know firefighters and of understanding why they have us eat impulsively.  It is a way to get to know the good intentions of the managers, what they are protecting, and then to go about addressing and healing exiled parts. 

It is a respectful, organic, very individual process and not a quick fix.  SELF provide safety for the exiled BODY to come back to the table.  Self-led Eating, by definition, offers hope to be at home in one’s body and to be at peace and at ease with food… something that dieting can never deliver.

I INVITE YOU TO JOIN ME AT MY NEXT SELF-LED EATING INTENSIVE  for professionals        

 JANUARY 27 -29, 2012.     16 CEU’S

Enhance your work with individuals who suffer from emotional eating.

Internalize the essentials of a healthy relationship with food.

Using IFS, we will gain access to parts that “resist” responding to bodily cues of hunger and satiety. This workshop continues to evolve since I started incorporating IFS into my work. Now parts work is fully integrated into all days of the workshop.  

 www.TheConsciousCafe.org  for more information

 If you haven’t had the absolute and joyous pleasure of interacting with the artist Deb Koffman  I encourage you to wholeheartedly and absolutely take the plunge. Her latest book, The Magic Lamp   is short, sweet, and a guide to how to use imagination to change your life.

One of the things I love about Deb  is how she authenticallyshares her experience of difficulties while drawing on a well of creativity, whimsy, and hopefullness to connect with people like you and me.  

Her heart and soul are evident in everything she creates.  Like these cards she has for sale.  Perfect notes to send to people to let them know you care. 

Take a look through her work and you’ll feel at ease and your heart will sing.