21 Aug Why does it take so long?
Why does it take so long?
For those of you who are therapists and clinicians, you are well aware we hear versions of this set of words over and over in our practice: “Why does it take so long?”
There’s a simple answer:
the healing cycle is different than the natural cycle of life
- The natural cycle of life has people, events, even fruits and vegetables…rise, crest, and fall
- In the healing cycle, with its triggers and fears, we usually fight against being with the rise, crest and fall of difficult experiences
- That’s why we object and are upset when things don’t go the way they’re supposed to. “It shouldn’t be like this!”
Way back when I lived in an ashram, I became friends with an older gent who visited often. One day, walking down a long path, he told me his story. We sat on a bench. My heart ached as I heard him share… a child is supposed to outlive his father.
It’s a vivid memory. Not just because of the memory but also because he spoke a truth we all intuitively hold: there’s a natural order to life.
Parents should die before their kids. For this gentleman, the “natural order of life” was poignantly and fundamentally interrupted. Trauma does this. And the imprints, the patterns, the way past trauma leaps into the present moment…makes the healing cycle rocky. That’s where attachment comes in.
I recently finished three days of filming for a course I’m leading for Therapy Wisdom. It’s focused on Embodying Attachment.
I’ve been captivated by attachment theory since I first walked into a workshop with Dr. Dan Brown. Since I was there “just for CEs” I sat in the back. Within the first half hour I was hooked. I got the missing piece…
THIS was why trauma doesn’t heal easily
It’s why I became one of Dan’s students, convincing him to set up a small study group that met consistently for 13 years, many of those years weekly.
During that time, W.W. Norton Publishing asked me to write a book on yoga, meditation and trauma. I said yes – but only if I could focus on attachment. That’s how convinced I was that attachment theory and the intersection with the wisdom traditions was the key to healing.
One of the many videos I filmed for the course describes the difference between the natural cycle of life and the healing cycle. Everything in nature rises, crests, and falls.
Healing is different
Healing is more about descending to the depths of darkness and agony, kicking and screaming, as we learn to let go of what we “know”…to discover a wisdom so profound that it inspires us through the dark … if we attune to the pinpricks of light that flicker occasionally there, calling to us, urging us to release our grip on what “should be” so we can be who we have always known we were, deep down inside.
Thank goodness we have people like Joseph Campbell whose insights pointed out the elements of “monomyth.” And, more recently, thinkers who “re-unite[s] the hero’s journey and the heroine’s journey into a single journey that illustrates how this pattern, in its essence, is designed to return us all to our inherent wholeness, with a unitive consciousness.”
We see it in popular stories and movies throughout the ages, including more contemporary heroes/heroines like Jane Eyre and Luke Skywalker: the heroine/hero has a defining crisis which leads them on a quest, facing challenges which opens them to a better, more nourishing life.
The stories we tell ourselves shape our lives
The Internal Working Model that John Bowlby researched shows how early attachment “stories” are imprinted into our everyday perceptual field.
Other research (such as McAdams, 2019) indicates that by the time we’re in our 20s we’ve “constructed” a narrative identity to explain who we are now, who we were, and where our life will be in the future.
I’ve been lucky to be in some form of clinical practice for 40 years. One of my greatest treasures has been being part of people’s lives as they grow, develop, flourish… and become themselves. Come home to themselves. This is what I outline in the upcoming course.
Here’s are a few highlights of a specific thread in the course:
How, then, do we change this story? This Internal Working Model?
- Many of my clients journal, draw, dance, looking for ways to access this non-narrative story to “sense” into the places where a new door might open. Reflective journaling is a key way to increase metacognitive functioning – something research emphasizes is key to shifting attachment styles.
- Try something new, a new adventure where you challenge yourself. It could be going to a dance class, meeting new people. Or it could be something one of the members of our coaching group did – go on a solo adventure (in her case, a solo kayaking trip, which requires its own unique training and preparation).
The key components as you start to explore are:
- Name and notice any fear that’s there
- Recognize how many times you’ve refused to do something new, different, challenging
- Validate whatever fears are there that keep you from committing to this new journey
Then when you’re in the middle of it all:
Look back at other adventures you’ve been on. They’ve rarely been linear, straight forward. They always have twists, turns, obstacles.
In the Becoming Safely Embodied book and course I suggest ways to reframe a story, such as “Telling & Retelling a New Story” or “Finding Your Older, Wiser Self.”
Back when I was in the midst of a multi-year transformation, one of my Sufi teachers repeatedly reminded me to flow like water around boulders in the stream.
May you find your unique path home to yourself