27 Mar [May 27, 2011] Retiring the Old, Outdated, Negative Story
Years ago in New Orleans at an international trauma conference I had occasion to sit an informal table with a well-known trauma researcher. New to the field, and not wise to the world, I didn’t know how important this person was or the impact this person had on the field.
In those days I let my audacity out much more freely without restraint. I don’t know if that was good or bad. It’s just what was.
During the conversation I said we (in the field) put too much weight on excavating the problem and processing the pain without a balanced effort put into supporting our clients in feeling better.
I mentioned that if we built a field of goodness and strength and see the best in the client then when it’s time to process the trauma it’s like digging into a cold tub of butter with a hot knife. Easy. Much less resistance.
I think I was dismissed as being young and maybe not even so wise.
I certainly was young… well, younger.
Now that I’m old, with color covering my gray hair, I believe this even more strongly.
Our culture and histories pull us deeply into the pain of the past We have parts that do not want us to be disappointed, crushed, annihilated by believing that we are magnificent and glorious.
Thomas Merton
Years ago someone told me a story about Thomas Merton, the Trappist monk. Apparently when he first started to speak his mother filled journal after journal with every single word he said. Apparently she did this for years.
With someone listening, captivated by his every word, how could he NOT grow up to be a writer, writing book after book?
How else could it be that even when he joined a silent monastery he would still be called to speak and write?
He expected to be heard and listened to. The early interactions with his mother laid down this pattern.
Now, maybe this isn’t exactly how it happened. But let’s explore this. What if it is?
What if you had grown up with parents that were mesmerized by everything you did? What if they joyously delighted in every aspect of you? What if they repaired any disruption that happened?
Wouldn’t you then have the courage to live more fully without hearing the constant pounding of criticism and judgement?
American Idol
Perhaps this explains why I am watching every episode of American Idol this year. Never done that before.
The judges this year are incredibly positive, supportive, and kind even when they say the hard stuff. So much different from previous years when Simon was present, playing the role of “Harsh Reality of Life.”
This year the judges, Steven Tyler (the rock star; who would have ever guessed he was such a loving, great guy?), Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson look for the best in each of the contestants and mirror back their enjoyment, pleasure, and helpful hints on how to use themselves to the best advantage.
Imagine for a moment who you would be with that kind of support around you.
How would you be with people week after week, month after month? What if you were surrounded by people who saw the best in you — even when you were being a pill, a pain, a potent nut job?
What if you had others who did indeed see all your weaknesses, your reactivity, your terrors and small mindedness — but instead of focusing on those qualities these people oriented toward the good that you are and reinforced that.
Imagine how different you would be in that environment.
That’s what’s possible. That’s what I want to be a part of creating around me and for those I encounter.
That’s a life worth living.