Why is it so hard to change?


We get stuck.  We want things to be different.

Instead we often feel that change, let alone real fundamental transformation, is out of our control.

If we can let go and learn to trust the organic nature of life we will see the process that clears out the patterns keeping us stuck.

When we enter into a change process we are invited to open and meet the beauty and radiance of our own being. There are definite bumps on the path to getting there.  We get lost and confused and disoriented.

Nevertheless, it’s worth the ride.

Here’s some of what I’ve noticed about the change process.  Check and see if this correlates with what you know from our own experience.

Wanting to Change: The first step in any change process is actually wanting to change.   My personal experience is that I don’t really change until I’m desperate enough.  I have to first feel how bad it is.  When I begin to get the full body/mind/heart stuck feeling and see how  I am doing  isn’t working, hasn’t worked, and will never work, well, then that seems to (finally) get me to do something different.

Learning to Trust:  Gosh this is hard.  We have learned to be like the comic book Road Runner, spinning our wheels as fast as we can to avoid falling.  We don’t believe there’s ground under there.  We believe, like another comic strip character, that Lucy will pull the football out from under us.  We’ll fall flat, disappointed, yet again.   Part of the change process is learning to trust, learning that there is ground under us, that we are safe, that we will be taken care of.  There is a safe base.  We don’t have to do it all by ourselves.

Cast Out of the Tribe:  It’s incredibly difficult it to be separate from others, to no longer belong to the tribe, to be outcast.   It’s hard to do something different, to be different than others around us.  Often we stay stuck because our longing to be a part of the whole is greater than being different.  We can be afraid of expulsion from the tribe.

Wrenching Ourselves From the Past:   It’s really hard to shift these patterns which are born in the past, frozen in time.  Those of you who know the Becoming Safely Embodied Skills are familiar with the idea of “time capsules of experiences” the bundled moments that are unfinished in the past yet flood our present when we’re triggered.   Embedded in those time capsules are hopes, dreams, longings that things can be different, that there will be a more positive outcome.  We cling to those hopes and fantasies born in our childhood  with an iron fist rather than deal with the anguish of mourning and grieving never knowing if we’ll ever get those needs/hopes/dreams met.

Physiological Distress:  Maybe at the bottom of it all, the worst part of change, is having to deal with the emotional and physical commotion in our hearts, our minds, and our nervous system.   It’s easier to deal with everything else than to breath into the distress, learning along the way to trust that we will move through all that, coming through to a clearer, calmer place.

Receiving the Good:  Then of course, having traveled through the muck of life we have to open to the good, open to receive, to literally let our bodies soften and take in what’s good.  We’re primed to see the bad, anticipate the disappointment that we often overlook the positive that’s there.

Having been through too many of these compression points of change I know, intimately, the stuckness, the horror, the agony of each phase.

And I also know the relief, the ease that floods through my body, my mind, my heart when I have allowed the burning fires to purify.  I can vouch for the pain and I can guarantee the beautification process inherent in that pain.  Like every metaphor of transformation, pain, suffering is there.

Keep your eye on where you want to go.  The light will shine.  Allow it in.  Open to the transformation that is possible.

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24 Responses to “Why is it so hard to change?”

  1. Deirdre Fay November 10, 2012 at 6:30 pm //

    I received a note from someone with these thoughts. I thought it would be good to pass them along:

    1) Wanting to change
    Yes I agree about nothing really changing until I feel desperate but at other times there is the problem of not knowing what I can do or what needs to be changed.Submitting to a low point of despair, giving up the struggle altogether, seems to be the key and sometimes makes me wonder whether any “strategy” is ever likely to help and whether the motive to find a way isn’t just part of the problem. Even giving myself a break can present difficulties, however appealing the thought might be, because it raises the issue of yes…but what? Sometimes I just feel I’m going round in circles.

    2)Learning to trust
    Yes my tendency to keep running or cling onto whatever seems to point to a’truth’ or an ‘answer’. I don’t know who or whether there is anyone to fulfill the notion “we will be taken care of” though however much I may want/need to believe it.

    3 Cast out of the tribe
    I find that accepting this is possible with time and the strength to deal with it develops slowly but can take a lifetime.

    4) Wrenching ourselves from the past
    I believe all you say about this to be true.

    4) Physiological Distress
    Undoubtedly the worst and most difficult part of change as you say, epecially when there seems to be no end to it. At times when “a clearer, calmer place” emerges it gives me the incentive to stay on the path.

    5) Receiving the good
    I’m sure you must be right.

    I find it helps that you break the change process into these important aspects and so are not ducking any issues. I’m sure we would all want what you describe at the end. Perhaps it will come in small steps too.


  2. candy "Lynn" Kassner November 14, 2012 at 1:39 pm //

    oh…this change process… sometimes as much as i want change,,, need change and am going after it… sometimes.. even when we know the road is not completely clear.. you just have to do somethign… and i do….I have… now have even more issues than i had before.. but somehow .. even though my thoughts, feelings and sensations seem to betray me at my very essense of forward motion…I have made it thus far…and am now…more aware .. so… breathe….focus, work the tools…

    i believe though many do not…CHANGE.. is hard because i believe it takes a physical change in the brain, that takes…much..mental processing.!! I also concur that the steps spoken here is how it is done..one breathe,. one step, one moment, one thought at a time…sometimes!.I also believe that it can be done… Not without work..patient, acceptance, tolerance and last but for me most important compassion for ones self and frankly the hardest for me..
    like a young girl wanting something so badly…but still trying to be polite..now…please.!! (.humor is important they say)…..


  3. Candy"Lynn" November 15, 2012 at 1:02 am //

    hummm…change…..???? my blog has disappeared. ..kinda of like i feel i am..Im not sure if thats good or bad.I use to have everything in a nice little box… everything and everyone i could see, n understand. i made some moves to hopefully be moving forward out of my stuck and very stressful, abusive environment…yeah okay.. of course i do this when i am already working on attachment issues..big ones… not that they all aren’t big because they are…. so needless to say my emotional state of being…..welll…. lets say its been having anther field day…ya know I’m just getting to old for all these field days and frankly…as focused,strong,and motivated as i am… as much as I’m learning…and implementing… will it be enough to keep me going…in the direction i want and need to go…or will the feelings of disappearing continue to take hold…im nervous, scared ,and wondering if the players on my team that i thought was on my side… has it transferred to another team, game, have i yet again….deeep deep breath… have i yet agin.. okay… my heart now hurts,almost physically..no really ..its strange… even if the team leaves me..and i am cast or pull from the tribe… will i have learned enough… my thoughts say no… my feelings n heart start to break….not yet.. not yet i say… but who and how can i trust…im angry .. I’m sad…. I’m scared…and I’m strong… I’m happy, proud,so much more but for now… maybe .. just for now ill breathe small little sips of air..ill use positive self talk,reinforcing all i have learned and for this moment… I AM OKAY..i don’t think ill be blogging much more..but for n to you all… thank you for your supportive openness and for bringing kindness, compassion and a much needed place of possibly of new possibly,possible n options to create change, and acceptance for all. thank you for sharing so much with so many ..peace, love and wholeness for alll!!


    • Deirdre Fay November 22, 2012 at 1:02 pm //

      Interesting questions, Candy “Lynn”. 2 things that might be helpful in your inquiry:

      1. the deeply grooved impulse/tendency to disappear may always be there. What can change is to add in, cultivate a new path which notices the tendency without getting caught or lost in it

      2. the beautiful response to your question “Will I have learned enough?” if I get cast out or pulled from the tribe is that you don’t have to do it by yourself. Unlike the experience that it’s all up to me, I have to learn how to do this and be strong even if I’m scared — well, I’d like to offer a different perspective. As you learn to lt go of the strategies (defenses) that have kept you going so far, as you learn to trust the deeper, organic nature and flow of life and love you’ll come to realize you don’t have to do it yourself, you have some inner guidance that is always there, always ready to help you and to be with you. There’s really not much greater than that


  4. fiona November 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm //

    candy lynne

    i do hope you keep blogging as i for one value what you have to say. it helps me not feel so alone in how i feel to have someone to talk to.

    i know for me i find it easier to be on my old road, the one i know and feel safe on, but now i feel like im on a different road, one im not sure of and scared of. one that i dont know where the end destination will take me but in my heart i know will lead me to a better place in my life and in myself.

    change isnt easy. back in september i attended deirdre fays workshop in glasgow, it had to be one of the hardest things ive ever done as an adult to go but i went. i couldnt talk but i was there and listened and i learnt so much about myself although what i learnt that was most important wasnt anything deirdre actually spoke of but being there and feeling how i felt, so different, unbelonging just wanting to be invisable but yet still be there. truly if there was such a thing as an invisable cloak i would have worn it! what i learnt that day will stay with me forever. i learnt just how scared i am of people. how hard i find it to feel like i belong. to feel like i fit in. i felt trapped inside myself, inside a body like my skin was my cage. i couldnt look at anyone and i certainly couldnt talk to anyone but yet being there taiught me something so valuable. it taught me just how much work i have to do and will do because it also taught me i dont want to live my life the way i do. i sat in deirdres workshop so desperatly wanting to join in but trapped inside myself and the biggest lesson i learnt from that day was thats not how i want to live my life, scared of people, isolating myself from people, hiding.

    it may feel safer to hide and isolate yourself and to believe you cant trust anyone but change is like trying out a new food, you wont ever know if you like it till you try. im hoping that the next time deirdre will do a course in the uk that i will at least be able to lift my head and string a sentence together and i know in time i will because i am changing. i see myself as like a flower thats never been able to grow and open and show its beauty and feel truly alive because for so long its been in the darkness but if you dont take a flower out of darkness and show it some sun and warmth and love it cant ever grow. i have a flower inside my heart only my petals have been firmly shut like a fist round my heart because those petals were so scared of opening and letting people come near it was just so much safer to keep that fist of petals shut but ive got warmth and care and strength and support and with that im learning to grow and slowly release that fist of petals and learn that i dont need to be a hedgehog curled in a ball all my life so i dont get hurt , i can be a snail and still have a shell for safety but i can poke my head out and learn to walk without being so afraid that everyone is a bird ready to attack because their not its just all my life i always felt safer shutting myself away and never letting anyone near. with the help of my counsellor and this place im learning to not feel so afraid of letting people near. feelings are hard and i so wish mine would go away and sometimes i wish i was back on my old road, the road where my coping mechanisms stopped me feeling anything, where i never let myself feel, i never let myself be upset and i never let anyone close but im learning to accept my feelings and see some of them as hurts from that inner child, something to be mended and healed not shoved away and ignored, and its hard because i dont like feelings, ive spent all my life shutting my feelings out infact up till the last 6 months i didnt realise i had them but i do and they are there, i see my feelings as a little child hurting, i take that and i think well if that little child was outside of me standing infront of me i wouldnt ignore her i would listen to her so im learning to listen to my feelings (that might sound mad but it helps) deirdre spoke about receiving the good and i, for one have real problems with that, to accept that someone genuinly cares is near impossible for me but then sometimes i think i find it impossible to accept because its easier to beleive your old ways of thinking than to relearn what youve always beleived to be true so i tell myself that people dont mean what they say when their being nice or caring because if im honest its easier to accept i cant trust anyone than to think well maybe i can, i guess thats all part of casting out the tribe and changing your thoughts and thinking. for me since i started in therapy its like almost, growing up always beleiving that a banana is red because all your life youve been taught by others that its red then now in therapy and in my healing im seeing that well how others taiught me how to see the world its not true. almost like a banana is yellow (sorry if i make no sense i will try to explain better) …… all my life i grew up never trusting anyone because i thought everyone in this world wasa like the people i grew up around and now im learning through the relationship i have with my counsellor and through coming here that i think how ive spent my life, what i thought i beleived to be true about people, thats not neccessarily true for everyone. dont know if that makes any sense sorry!

    candy lynne

    i do hope you keep blogging because i so value what you have to say and enjoy talking with you. your bloggs are always thought provoking and i enjoy being able to chat with you and others. i know its hard to feel like you belong, if only there was a magic cure to rid us of those feelings.

    take care


    • Deirdre Fay November 22, 2012 at 1:05 pm //

      Absolutely beautiful reflections, Fiona. Truly wonderful to read and to know that you are shifting in such powerful ways.

      To be able to choose to NOT go with the old familiar pattern of withdrawal and isolation, to be able to choose something different is quite miraculous. I’m awed by your process. I hope you are sharing this with your counsellor!!!


  5. fiona November 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm //

    sorry to blog again i just had one of those moments when your like aha

    deirdre posted why is it so hard to change?

    BECAUSE ITS SCAREY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    when all your life youve lived your life in a world knowing how you feel to be true then suddenly your learning wait a minute arent all people the way those i grew up around were? can you really trust people? do people really care? do people not hate me after all? do people like me? am i not really a bad person?????

    change for me is like living and on the outside im whole and still and together but inside im an inside out earthquake, im being shook up and all my walls i spent all my life building to keep people out, they are being knocked down and people are there and where are my walls? im letting people near and thats so not me, and im like, wait a minute whats going on here? this isnt me. ME, i dont do talkiing to people, i dont do beleiveing people mean what they say, i dont do letting people near, hell im even starting to like myself and sometimes i feel hey wait a minute maybe im liked by others??????????? its like why is change so hard???????????

    because its the opposite to everything ive ever felt, thought, beleived or had in my life and its shaking me to the very core!


    • Patricia November 18, 2012 at 2:04 pm //

      I was concerned when I read your response because I feared my words may have triggered a bad feeling for you. However I see positive things in what you say here too like “feeling focused, strong and motivated” and “I AM OK” which are reassuring.

      I keep out of the blogs normally thinking Dierdre would feel that the things I have to say are just too dangerous at times, would put a stop to progress and so on….
      Mostly though it has just felt too dangerous for me to express myself, especially in this way.

      How amazingly both of you are able to write down what you feel. I feel I am trailing behind you but gaining a lot from your communications. Thank you ….and you are certainly NOT alone.


      • Deirdre Fay November 21, 2012 at 7:07 am //

        The mind is an interesting place, isn’t it Patricia!? I absolutely never think what you have to say is too dangerous and definitely doesn’t put a stop to progress in any way.

        Thank you for taking the risk to contribute to everyone.


        • Patricia November 21, 2012 at 4:10 pm //

          Thank you Dierdre for your assurance. I had been rather alarmed by the responses following mine because I felt that my not very positive thoughts, albeit true for me, had caused a downturn in mood for others and one in particular. Thankfully those who are good at communicating in a way that has a good effect on others were able to bring her back again and I realise now that what I had written was probably neither here not there for anyone else anyway which is probably just as well.

          I know from past experience where the feeling comes from that it is dangerous for me to express anything which might go against the prevailing view. Something I used not to be aware of as a child and similarly I was caught unawares this time and somewhat triggered I guess. Somehow I felt quite confident that you would not put my feedback on the blog anyway and was was a bit unnerved by that, probably anticipating bad reactions as soon as I noticed it there.


          • Deirdre Fay November 22, 2012 at 1:09 pm //

            It’s important to test out the automatic thinking “anticipating bad reactions” with the actual experience.

            In this case, I knew that your thoughts and explorations were important to the whole conversation. Your honesty would – and did – allow others to come forward. We all hold a piece of the larger whole. When we hold our piece back, the puzzle doesn’t quite come together in the most beautiful way.


          • Candy"Lynn" November 23, 2012 at 6:18 pm //

            Patricia i personally wanted to tell you that i value all your blogs, thoughts and feelings that you share with this site. W e are all people and are all learning n looking fro ways to make our journey and to help others on their path. If i said or did anything that made you feel uncomfortable I never meant to. I am just like you… trying to figure out this journey and life I’m living and trying new ways and things to be more at peas and be more entuned to owho i am and where i want to go and along the way try to make connections and make connections with people who communicate and are open and share such as myself. I think the world needs to find, create or somehow make safer places for us all… but most important for me… i want to find that oneness and safe place consistly within myself so i can share n help others do the same…. peace to you patricia…and may we all continue to reach out n connect….


    • Deirdre Fay November 22, 2012 at 1:07 pm //

      One way to think of it is that the longing underneath the old strategy is fiercely trying to link you back up with your true nature, your true spirit.

      It is hard to let go of the old, familiar well-worn path — but it’s also incredibly powerful and helpful to put a foot on the new path and look to see the beauty around you in the new vantage point.


  6. Candy "Lynn" November 16, 2012 at 6:08 pm //

    HI Fiona..Thank you for your very thoughtful response to my last blog. well..for me it isn’t that i have been afraid of belonging…well, i have been…but.. ive been trying to find a place to belong.. I’ve never belonged anywhere or i felt like i didn’t.When i did when i was younger..it isnt anything that i would want others to belong tooo… I finally found a place that i thought i did..maybe even obsessively.. but there’s a part of me that likes that people read n sometimes like what i say.. but before i get off track to far…i have been having a VERY CHALLENGING TIME LATELY ..OR AT DIFFERENT TIME this LAST WEEK OR SO.. and so instead of calling reaching out in a dysfunctional kinda of way to my only two resourses.. i started looking at this site… several time a day… looking for your communication, deirdre’s advice… anything that would help me find my core again or help me find the focus i needed.. IT was late and i came on to look again after many times that day.. and there was a notice.. you’ve visited this site alot lately…Well.. i instantly took it like i had over stepped my boundaries or that no one wanted to hear what i had to say. I thought everything i ever wrote was respectful,supportive, and the like..I came here several times when i just needed to be reminded of a tool, skill, or that yes there are kind and growing people here…Guess theres a limit .. i didnt write every time i just read… Anyway… i can so so relate to everything you said on this blog this time and so may other times….. so thanks… It so helps to know we’re not on this road alone and with no one to understand…I am so glad you got to go on that trip ..I am glad it helped you.. I gain somuch support and knowledge from your blogs or responses as well.. I do not always respond to you but i always……….gain much from everything you write.I am at a loss for words now… but know ..i appreciate everything you write.. sometimes i cant believe how someone else can feel and think like me… Maybe just maybe …there is hope… no .. I know there is…..


  7. Katie November 18, 2012 at 10:36 pm //

    I am trying so desperately hard to move forward in my life but I must admit it isn’t going very well. The abuse that I endured was from birth until I left home and even today it continues as my parents are still alive. It is mostly emotional abuse at this point but that still hurts quite a bit. One thing I struggle with is expecting more from people than they can give. It is a feeling of not belonging and needing to be loved unconditionally. It hurts so much and I can’t seem to move beyond this. I find myself constantly doing and giving so I will be liked or maybe even loved. Any suggestions?


    • Bunchy November 19, 2012 at 6:20 am //

      Hey Katie

      I have posted a reply to you on the blog subject of neediness, letting you know in case you didn’t think to go back there!



    • Deirdre Fay November 22, 2012 at 1:13 pm //

      Perhaps this is why I liken healing to training the mind/heart to move in the direction we want it to go. To return to our natural, native, body-based knowing that you belong and you are loved.

      After a lifetime of not feeling like you belong and not feeling loved your body has protected itself by learning not to be open to love, to see where you are not fitting in, not belonging, gathering evidence for all that.

      Yet, that is not the truth. We can begin to learn – to experience in our bodies – that life is good, that you are wanted, valued, important, cared about, and loved. As you start to look around and literally gather evidence for those small acts of belonging and being loved (or even just the possibility of being loved and belonging) then you’ll have a greater chance of carving out the life you want to live in rather than the life that your history has catapaulted you into.


  8. Candy"Lynn" November 19, 2012 at 2:02 am //

    i can speak only from my own experience. i think..that what you are doing…though it may feel.. like only small steps,you are already taking steps to change what you need to to bring yourself peace,love n goodness.Katie.you know the..fundamental thing we all need. Unconditional love.i had,have n continue to struggle with the same as you describe.Abuse n neglect from an early age and long term. Reachin out to the places you know you will find unconditional love.is huge takes great courage!You are doing that. it doesnt take away all the pain,,but hopefully it helps for a moment…As I am learning…when we can stay in the moment….when we can become aware,when we can become aware of our thoughts,our feelings in our bodies n how n what sensations they produce n when…we can then begin to use them as choice points to change.Not always easy, however,i have found with the book Becoming safely embodied,a small practice of mediation,therapy and compassion for myself….that I’m learning to give to myself more…n for me that helps me give to people when i want to rather than from a place of my own emptiness need! not sure if this helps but we all are on a healing journey and sometimes…knowing someone else understands n walks on this journey to…has helped me.. I wish you peace n the knowledge that you or none of us travel alone..Keep reaching out n one day you’ll be surprised how far you’ve come even if you are still traveling the healing journey..


  9. Katie November 20, 2012 at 7:25 pm //

    Hi to Bunchy and Candy”Lynn” I want to thank you both for your kind words to me. It means so much to know others not only care but “get it”. I wait for the day the ache inside me stops hurting. I do try many of the DBT skills but they only last for a min or 2 and then the pain rages on. It is so hard to cope in my every day world. I have a child with a disability and I am a single mom so loneliness seems to be my “middle name”. Getting out is difficult, I feel alone inside and out. I am just so grateful I have this website to express my feelings and people like you to share with. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving


  10. fiona November 21, 2012 at 8:19 am //

    right now i kind of feel like im lost in a forest without a compass and im on a path but im not sure if im on the right path. i dont know how your meant to know if the change thats taking place inside yourself is the right kind of change, i mean change for the better. im off work just now because i cant handle the stress of work alongside the stress of things that are happening in my personal life so my doctor thought i should take some time out from work but what if thats not the best way to go. i feel lost stuck and totally at a loss as to where i go from here. i just dont know how to trust that the change thats taking place is change for the better. im a complete workaholic but yet right now i dont care about work at all. something in me is changing but i have no idea if its for the better


  11. fiona November 21, 2012 at 9:17 am //

    i think whats scarey is theres no certainty when it comes to changing in the changing that we talk about. theres no guarantee that im on the right path heading for the change i want. its like im on a path with no map just trusting that im heading the right way but never really knowing for sure.

    if you boil potatoes then mash them you know what the end result will be. it will be mashed potatoes. when a caterpillar is in a chrysalis you know it will emerge a butterfly, when the sun sets at night you know the next day it will rise. all these things are things i know for certain. i know if i touch something hot it will hurt so i dont. i know if i were to stick my hand in a crocodiles mouth it would bite me so i wouldnt. these are things i know but what i dont know is if the road, this journey that im on if its in the right direction. its like being in a forest on a path and standing looking back and forward and both ways look the same but you know the end destination for each way is to a completly different place, one where you want to be and one where you never want to end up again. so how do you know if your heading in the right direction when you just dont know?

    im a total workaholic, works always kept me going. it helped me push to the back of my mind anything i might have needed to deal with, work stopped me having feelings about things. works always been my rock to keep me going now works been taking out of the equation to help me not have to deal with things in my life im left having to deal with my feelings and now im wondering is that something i want to do, to deal with things, if im honest i dont, i would much rather bury myself in work and never face up to what i need to deal with because for me i know i can cope with doing that only now i cant, thats why im off because something in me has changed, for years i coped by working 7 days a week maybe as a way to cope with blocking things out i maybe should have dealt with, now without my work im left having to face things that ive never faced because i always used work to keep going. all i want is back to work to make all my feelings go away but then they dont ever really go away, the feelings, they just get covered like a seashell covered by sand then all of a sudden a giant wave comes and uncovers the shell and your left with it right there infront of you.

    change is hard when suddenly you realise all your old coping mechanisms just arent working anymore, i feel like ive been stripped bare, all my old ways of coping that for years worked have been removed and here i am not knowing if the path im on is heading in the right direction or not

    i guess all you can do is trust that if a caterpillar can trust that it will change into a butterfly then i need to try and just trust that i can change too


  12. Candy"Lynn" November 22, 2012 at 7:55 am //

    change is hard…and sometimes the only thing we can do is trust and that word or action has not been in my vocabulary either.However to change we must be willing to try new things and step away from what hasn’t worked before.I AM IN SIMILIAR SITUATION.For me though after several weeks…probably for first time in a long time…moving forward though very Scary and leaves me with no safety net to fall back on….the risk is easier( though not easy) than not…I continue to try and work with all the tools,skills and compassion ,( everything else i’d use n do to help someone else)each n every day..knowing that in the end..everything will work out in what ever way it was meant to.Fiona,i know that not being able to use the old coping mechanisms and have them work is tough. it has thrown me into the strong winds many times. I’ve recently put reminds up all over my house…of what things that work to help keep me grounded and what phrase and tools that help me think n bring me back to skills, tools and thoughts(to bring me back to the present moment) that will assist me in eventually reaching and doing what i need to to not feel so lost in that forest you spoke of..things that will help me head in the direction i need to be heading.. for me the end results can not be my focus as I’m feeling or realizing the uncertainty of my chosen path presently…it has to be the journey…how to keep me in this moment to help me reach my goals and yes, sometimes it literally is to just get me thru the moment,sometimes its a few minutes, sometimes it will get me thru hours focused and away from allowing myself to feed on the old maps.i think we just have to keep practicing and eventually all the new things will become new and the old things or ways will just slip away..Thats what i tell myself and ya know…it’s working..sLOWLY..BUT ITS WORKING..my things around the house on wall, on my desk, things on the counter…are only things for me to recognize..I hope in this time of change…you remember in your darkest times…we all have a bright light shining inside of us…. We may not have magic wands ..but we have light burning bright deep inside even if we do not see it all the time..and we have a web site that is VEWED AND RAN BY REAL PEOPLE AND WHEN PEOPLE ARE REACHING OUT to one anther( that to not always an easy step) FORWARD MOTION THROUGH CHANGE becomes just a little easier! well, at least that is my hope for all…and i believe it to be true!i hope my words touched,someone and helped.


  13. Leslie November 25, 2012 at 1:42 am //

    Thank you everyone for sharing.
    My entire adult life has used my career to define me and now, thirty years later I am unable to use my career to avoid who I really am because the fear/shame/anger/abandonment from my past childhood abuse, has become out of control.
    While this is oh so difficult and painful and scary I feel God has deliberately stripped me of these strategies so I will find out who I really am and trust in Him by trusting myself and others. I am learning to trust in a good friend, letting her in to see the real me, becoming attached to her within this trust. At age 52 it is time to stop acting and time to start Being. I’ve had it with this life of half-shadows. I deserve a full and well-lived life and will do everything I can to obtain that.



  1. Getting Unstuck – ver 311 | Deirdre Fay - June 22, 2013

    […] more on the topic?  https://dfay.com/archives/2910; https://dfay.com/archives/2461; https://dfay.com/archives/2002; […]

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