15 Dec Give Up. When all else fails, just give up
Give up?
Yup. You read it correctly. I felt that way recently when I felt threatened in a conversation. I couldn’t make sense of the confusing messages I was picking up. That always throws me off. I lose connection to myself and to what’s going on around me.. I wasn’t really being threatened, was I?
What I did know is I was completely disoriented. Am I really hearing/seeing what I think I’m seeing and hearing?
Then shock set in. Why is this happening to me?
I cratered headlong into old, yucky time zones with buried time capsules of narcissism bringing up the kind of despair and hopelessness that comes when old attachment patterns are triggered.
Definitely wanted to throw in the towel. Give up. 
Which is what helped me wake up and realize what was going on. I’m triggered. < I heard myself to myself what I say to people in the Becoming Safely Embodied skills courses, “If the moment feels out of proportion then it’s about the past.”
That gave me a toehold out of the triggering vortex.
You ever have moments like this?
Times when you wanted to give up? Maybe moments like I had or when ….
- you’ve been trying to do something and you feel like you’ve hit a brick wall
- something hasn’t worked out the way you want
- you keep doing the same thing and hate how you feel
- you want love but find you keep messing up relationships
What about you? What are your moments like? Let me know.
Time to stop
When we keep doing something and getting the same result (or in my example, when I felt used and wanted to give up) it’s time to stop. Reassess. Focus on a small moment, like the breath.
I remembered a simple intervention – rhythmic breathing that I learned from Richard Brown and Patricia Gerberg. It’s also used in Compassion Focused Therapy.
I’ve learned the hard way. In moments like this, before doing anything. Stop. These aren’t the times to do anything but ride the white waters of life. I’ve found it helps to know what I need and fill those needs of comfort, connection.
At those times I also need reality testing, being with people I believe in and who live with similar values: ethical, loyal, caring, considerate, compassionate. That helps me remember who I am and who most of us are.
What about you? What do you do to re-orient?
After that , it’s time to assess
Look for the deeper pattern, seeing what is unconsciously setting us up, finding ways to course correct. We don’t have to keep doing what we’ve been doing. We can change the things that haven’t worked, the ones that result in icky feelings of depression, anxiety, distress, isolation.
Giving up is only one side of the equation. The other side is opening up to something new. And the new is always waiting to flow in.
Most of the time there’s a gap between the old pattern ending and something new coming in. It might be a day (okay, that’s my hopeful part). Most likely it’s days, weeks, months till the new comes in.
You can shorten that time frame, though.
That comes from getting help looking in new directions, trying on new perspectives, feeling new feelings in your body, opening your heart to move through resistance, blocks, barriers.
Consistently, gradually but inevitably getting where you want to go
We get there. It takes time. We cultivate patience, balance, equanimity. All traditions agree. We get there. One step after the other. It’s inevitable.
That’s how we grow and become who we’ve always wanted to be: Our Self.
What’s your experience like? What works for you? What gets you dropping down the triggered vortex?