16 Oct Even in Paradise I can get triggered
Even in Paradise, I can get triggered.
Yup. That’s right.
There I was, in the serene and beautiful tea plantations of the Nilgiri Mountains in south-central India. Two weeks into a three-week retreat.
One day, I was basking and receiving contentment and ease, re-calibrating from the inside, when…something happened.
Isn’t it always like that?
Something happens.
That something can be just about anything. Sometimes we can easily track it. Sometimes we can use the Becoming Safely Embodied Skills I teach to decipher and deconstruct the trigger.
Sometimes we are way in the mess of it all without realizing what the heck happened.
The latter is what happened to me.
Something happened. My heart was pounding, and I found myself freezing. I wanted to “run away”; get away from everyone. I schemed how I would do just that.
The thought turned into action. I made plans to take a “tuk tuk” to go to the market in town. I planned to disappear. To get away.
I rushed to the tuk-tuk while a cluster of thoughts cascaded through my mind, “this isn’t good,” “you can’t run away from this,” and “this isn’t right.”
The moment I had the thought that I was doing something hurtful to myself and my relationships…I twisted my ankle. Yep.
It hurt.
Even though the tuk-tuk was waiting I had to apologize and tell him I couldn’t go. I wouldn’t be able to walk anywhere, certainly not through the uneven alleys of the town market.
Ugh.
I hobbled back to my cottage, keeping away from anyone I knew, still not sure what had happened or why I was so upset. I just knew I was triggered and had been trying to avoid whatever it was.
Crawling onto my bed I laid there, finally opening to whatever part was triggered while at the same time dropping into my heart. That’s when the tears came, first simple whimpering, then howling like a hurt animal.
What was this, I wondered, even as I let the wave pour through me.
Personally, I hate when I get triggered.
I avoid it like the plague.
But with practice, triggers can open our hearts, bring compassion and consciousness, and integrate us, so we can become more whole.
Even though I know this, and teach it, when I’m in it, it’s the last place I want to be. Maybe you’re like that too?
In the midst of it, I was grateful for the years of practice that prepared me to let this experience rise, crest, and fall.
So it did. The trigger opened me to an old time capsule, memories coming rapid fire as I put pieces together.
The present moment linked to the outpouring of memories.
It’s never something I enjoy – but afterward, I’m grateful.
I’m grateful for the practices that have let me surf the turbulence, allowing me to open my heart and integrate my life so I can feel the freedom and space, less cluttered by the past intruding into my current life.
A couple of hours later I was teaching a small group. My heart still tender, I shared the important practices that enable us to integrate the past so it can slowly, steadily, and consistently transform.
Jack, who has heard me teach many times over the years, told me how powerful the teaching was. As did several others who heard it. I’m not saying that to puff myself up, but rather reflecting that when we are in our vulnerable hearts, when we make peace with our patterns, we integrate what’s disconnected so we can live more fully alive.
That’s certainly been my experience. I hope it’s yours as well.
So, my friend, I share this with you, to encourage you to join me, to join all of us, in slowly, steadily, and consistently changing our old patterns, the ones that, yes, keep us protected, defended but don’t give us the deep solid sense of self that we all crave.
One step at a time, as we slowly and surely integrate our inner worlds, stay committed to a life where we are nourished and flourishing… then that life becomes reality. We stand on solid inner ground, able to grow, develop and transform the past into a life we want to live.
Thank you for letting me walk on the path with you.
May your heart drink in the kindness that lives around you.
If this resonates, I’d love to hear from you. I always hesitate before posting something so real but if it helps others then it’s worth everything.