05 Feb Why are they doing this?
I found myself bringing my hand to my heart … time and time again.
Having to breathe a bit deeper.
Keeping myself from finding ingenious ways to signal:
“that’s enough … you can stop now …”
My recent conversations with BSE Mentors (veterans of the BSE skills who are be supporting participants in the live version of the BSE course), were so incredible, AND were also activating those parts insisting: “Stop saying good things!”
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Since I’m not the only one with this tendency, I’m opening this inquiry…
… why is it a struggle to stay open and receive the nourishing things that people say about you?
Most of us have pretty reliable and open channels for the mean, shameful, or upsetting things that people say to us. And to ourselves. We often believe it – even if we hate it.
What a stark contrast to those doubting protector parts, who rapidly conjure up snarky comments, sarcastic witticisms … all designed to keep us from taking in the GOOD things.
It takes determination, and dare I say faith in the unknown, to trust that something could be different.
Here’s some back story … a few moments in time … that I think speak to this inquiry …
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My trauma history blew me apart while I was living in a yoga ashram back in the day.
Without knowing what I was doing, back then, I had to figure out, as with Humpty Dumpty’s story, how do you put it all back together again?
How do you form something out of nothing? Build a solid base.
It’s especially hard when a person looks good from the outside but they are dealing with inner terror and confusion, often alone or with little guidance.
That inquiry led me to get my graduate degree, researching, “What happens to long term yogis when their trauma histories came up?”
I explored many stories … people who had lived in monasteries, ashrams, and the like … and how they dealt with their traumas.
There was a stark common thread.
We all had different stories.
AND we all had the same story.
The common thread was trying to figure out how to put the pieces together again.
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Years later, meeting over coffee with Bessel van der Kolk, he asked me to create a body mind group at the Trauma Center near Boston. I remember, turning onto Babcock Street to head back to the Trauma Center … the words:
Becoming Safely Embodied
… they came through … it was kind of an instant download although none of the pieces were totally there.
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A few months later, I was working at a large training hospital. Someone had attended a workshop I taught and asked me to teach yoga and meditation on the inpatient dissociative unit, at night, with no pay.
Sure. Absolutely. Pay it forward.
That teaching opportunity brought a big learning: SLOW DOWN.
Break apart each concept into the smallest common denominator.
What we think is so simple is not.
We get concepts.
But how do we put that into life, so our body, mind, and heart are transformed?
I began looking at how I could make the healing path even more granular.
So granular … that it doesn’t evoke the threat system.
Yes, that was a huge training ground – a reality check.
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Years later, as I was training in attachment theory with Dan Brown, I was appreciating how easy it is for most of us to be upset at life, triggered, or reactive…
I noticed there tends to be a general theme in these moments of inner protest:
“This isn’t RIGHT!!! It SHOULDN’T be this way.”
If it was supposed to be this way, we wouldn’t be as upset. We would take it as a given.
So … If it’s NOT SUPPOSED to be this way – what way SHOULD it be?
Something inside, deep down there without words, is trying to get us to pay attention.
What is that source of wisdom?
Whatever it was it led me to this inquiry:
“Why is our body, our heart, pushing us to find something different?”
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These moments … these stories … all by way of being with the inquiry:
… why is it a struggle to stay open and receive the nourishing things that people say about you?
And, how to be with that struggle, in a new, granular way … to move towards receiving the good these incredible people are saying.
These mentors have been practicing the BSE skills for up to 10 years in some cases.
The core BSE skills are so simple. Gotta wonder: why do they keep doing them?
Why would these BSE Mentors want to do the course again?!
And again. And again.
Of course, part of it is being there for others going through the course … beautiful, but it’s also …
Katherine Carbone, an adjunct professor in Expressive Arts with a private practice, and a BSE Mentor, put some words to it:
Each time I take it again I deepen into the skills. I learn more. It strengthens me, helps me be grounded and centered to access my own inner wisdom and to live a better life.
That’s what I hope for each of the students that sign up for this program, that you will receive what you need to receive in this moment. That it will be for your best and highest good and that you’ll come back home to feeling safe in your body, to befriend your body and to feel that you have a range of tools and skills that you can draw upon when you need it because we all know stuff happens and it keeps happening.
Wow. Thank you Katherine.
[Katherine also shared how she used the skills teaching a graduate class and the surprise response … check it out here]
On my YouTube channel, you’ll be able to see the videos of several of our BSE Mentors including Rev. Dawn Britt.
You’ll hear how they learned to repattern their inner life, becoming SOLID, STEADY and SECURE in the process.
Not that there aren’t times of trigger or nuttiness.
BUT, in the face of it, they’ve developed the perseverance and consistency it takes to shift receptors from receiving harmful comments and feelings – opening other receptors instead to receive good.
Statistically, though, most of us didn’t have that kind of modeling, as children nor as adults.
(We had the other kind.)
Despite that, we can operationalize how to transform the imprinted Internal Working Model (as Bowlby writes) to attune to our inner guidance … the same inner guidance that pushed these BSE Mentors to relentlessly repattern … becoming who they’ve always wanted to be.
Being able to walk this journey with person after person is an honor.
To be surrounded by people who value the transformational journey – that’s priceless.
And … I’m thrilled to share their nourishing stories with you over the next couple of weeks.
Is it time to Become Safely Embodied? Yes… with the right skills … click here to watch a YouTube video about the BSE skills ….