05 Sep September 2010: Being Seen
These are the photos documented in Natural Fashion: Tribal Decoration from Africa that Hans Silvester has taken over numerous trips visiting the Surma and Mursi tribes in the Omo Valley of southern Ethiopia. Every day these tribes find natural elements and paint their bodies, spending hours of the day assembling these incredible ornamentations.
“A small piece of ocher crushed with a pebble will yield a quantity of pale color when diluted with water. Green is obtained from a crumbly stone found on the riverbed….”
Necklaces are made of banana leaves or snail shells, embellished with tufts of grass. The remarkable thing is that, as Silvester writes,
“Remarkably it all happens in the absence of a mirror, or even a natural equivalent. The silty water is always cloudy in the valley – the only way one can see oneself is through people’s reactions. An image of oneself … can therefore only be constructed through the eyes of others.”
The creativity is stupendous. A joyous celebration of color and texture. Not only are Silvester’s photos documenting gorgeous self-expression, they also speak to the importance of relationships in order to see ourselves. of others that we develop the experience of who we are. As Silvester acknowledges, “An image of oneself can therefore only be constructed through the eyes of others.” attunement It’s through
It’s through the eyes of each other that we really see ourselves.
We can only speculate about the Surma and Mursi tribes. We do, however, know our own experience. It’s one thing to express yourself. Something else happens when someone “out there” appreciates you, sees you, acknowledges you.
When we don’t feel seen, or are actively rejected and dismissed, we experience a completely different experience, one in which most of us wilt, fade, or begin a slow steady decline, fading, disappearing.
Even when we have had painful experiences of being squashed or not seen in the wondrous light we would have liked we still have the opportunity of reversing that trajectory. We have the opportunity to transform ourselves.
Choice Points
What it takes, though, is the deliberate choosing to see life in a different way. In The Becoming Safely Embodied Course we practice “choice points.” Finding and choosing “choice points” is to slow down the moment enough that we find a multitude of ways we can orient. Seeing those options – those choice points- we can practice taking the baby steps necessary toward the life we want to live.
Perhaps that’s why I’m so passionate about supporting people to “Become Safely Embodied.” When we are in our bodies (perhaps not in the gorgeous self-expression of the Surma and Mursi tribes!) but in our own unique ways, we begin to see that each moment in life, each small fragment of time blosoms with possibility.
I’ve been thinking alot about the wrenching experience of every trauma survivor. That moment – well actually made up of many moments – when you realize what you’re looking for, the love, the support, the care, the being seen, won’t come in the way you are so desperately looking for. It isn’t, and apparently won’t come, from outside.
Shifting our Trauma Schema
We fight and kick and scream. We don’t want “it” to come from inside. We want it to come from outside, from someone else.
I remember being with a client many years ago who told me she had a recurring dream in which whoever was her main attachment figure at the time would take care of her in the way she had always longed for. She loved these dreams and would hold them dear through the many days, weeks, months before the next one.
She told me this story, though, after having what she describes as a nightmare. This time the dream occurred with her being the attachment figure for herself. The jolt of realization woke her up and she threw up, horrified.
Perhaps this person’s story reminds you of something in yourself. I know there are still times when I am jolted by the mesmerizing stories I make up about life. During one of my recent retreats I confronted one of my own deep set patterns. Hard to do. Hard to train my mind to going where true freedom was/is rather than falling into the painful story I had concoted so long ago.
Making that “choice point” to experience life free of that brought a greater sense of freedom, of feeling internally scrubbed clean. We all have our versions. We identify so strongly with these states and they become hard to claw our way out of them.
I wrote something last month that I want to repeat here: We are more than the collection of negative states we dump on ourselves. We are the precious qualities of love, kindness, generosity and open-hearted compassion. We tend to guard ourselves and only allow those precious parts of ourselves out when we feel we can be safe. Some of us have even hidden them away so far we’ve forgotten that we have them. But we do. You do. Our task is to remember.
Join us in the Becoming Safely Embodied Course
I’d love for you to join me and the others who are taking part in the Becoming Safely Embodied Course starting October 6th. We’re about half way full now. The six weeks will be chock full of everything I know about the fundamental ways we can help ourselves make new choices and find a way to live the life we’ve always wanted to live.
After having led these groups for over 14 years I will be taking a plunge into the unknown by leading this course online. If it feels like something you would be interested in, please see the details on the web page or join us on September 18th for the informational call.
[to see what others have said about Becoming Safely Embodied Groups, click here]