09 Dec Why Is It Harder To Love Someone Instead of Being Angry With Them?
A couple weeks ago I sat in front of 100+ people at the Sivananda Yoga Retreat. They sat there, respectfully, waiting for me to say something wise or important. Gulp.
Every night while I was there would give a talk on the subject of the retreat, which this year was, “Cultivating Love.” That night I decided to inquire with them about something that has intrigued me so a long time. It’s a question I ask my clients, especially those that come in with relational hurdles.
Why is it harder to love someone than it is to be angry at them?
We began a discussion. I want to have that same discussion with you. I have some thoughts about it but I genuinely want to know what you think or feel or how you sort this question out.
Why do we harbor resentment, angry, irritation at someone who is close to us, our partner/spouse, our parents, friends, siblings, children?
How does it happen that when you’re with someone you care about your heart shuts down instead of staying open?
Now, I know, the other person often is doing stupid things, saying thoughtless things, might actually be being a pain in the behind or being mean. People are people and are often sloppy and unkempt in their relational hygiene. But what about you?
How come when the other person does a stupid thing you respond by shutting your heart, clamping down on your goodness, kindness, care?
Yes, I know it hurts when someone is being a pill. I’ve been there so many times – on both sides of the equation. I’ve been humbled by my incredibly huge capacity to be a ding-a-ling, to be mean, to hold grudges, to hang on to resentment.
Most of us (is this too revealing to say?) have people who irritate us, trigger us, annoy us. But we don’t have to go along with their agenda.
That’s right, when someone is being annoying and we let ourselves be annoyed by them we let them set the emotional tone of the relationship.
Take a moment and think about it.
Bring to mind someone who annoys you. Do a little filtering here. For the purposes of this inquiry, try not to choose someone who will bring for the hardest, most difficult feelings in you. It’s too easy with them to have “real” justifications. For this exercise find someone who annoys you without having you feel entrenched in your evidence.
Yes, that person. You know, the person who goes one up on you, or is condescending, or mean spirited to you, or only wants to be around you when they need something, or doesn’t have the time to listen to you or care for you in the way you want. That person.
Bring that person to mind. Let go of the interactions that have annoyed you. See them as a physical form. Then breathe into your heart, not to do anything, not to change anything, just to bring your attention to your heart.
Instead of reminding yourself why they annoy you, we’re going to take some time to remind yourself of why you care about them.
Go ahead….. remember times when you laughed together
….. when they said something meaningful
….. when they did something thoughtful, kind
….. remember who they really are, behind their defenses, their tender hearts covered over by such good looking barbed wire that you can get fooled by it thinking they’re mean when really, they are hurt beings too
What happens inside you? What feelings are there? Does anything shift?
Usually what happens is we start to soften
….and then the alarm bells go off. Without thinking we are marshaling protection, toughing our emotional and psychological skin, inadvertently preparing for the next onslaught.
This is sort of the crux of the matter, isn’t it?
It’s scary to be vulnerable. To be soft, to open our hearts.
But isn’t it also exhausting to be constantly prepared for the next disappointment, the next hurt?
Someone said to me recently, “I realize when I live true to what I want and need then it’s easier for others to give me those very same things.”
Hmmmm. So if you want someone to love you, to be kind to you, to appreciate you, to see you as wonderful and all that you can be……… if you want that, what would happen if you lived true to that longing to be kind, appreciative, loving to yourself and to others (yes, even to that person.)
It’ll be interesting to see. Frankly, I’m fighting back a bit of wanting to “give some answers” but rather I’m going to leave you with this inquiry, this gift of exploration.
Let me know! Your musings, your thoughts, your comments make a difference to a surprising large number of people. You’ll never know if you don’t share.
I’d love it if you’d let me know what you’re thinking and noodling about in your mind. It’s the holiday season! Gift me with your responses. Remember it’s always possible to respond on the blog anonymously. It’s mostly important to share, to move toward connection instead of living isolated, alone.