10 Sep [ezine] Walking Through The Triggered Zone
Every meditation and spiritual teacher I have had in the last 30+ years, from every spiritual tradition, has always said, “Live in the moment” or “Let the past go; it’s already happened.”
I’ve heard it and know it to be true. Yet it’s also true that letting go of how the past invades our everyday life is complicated.
It’s hard, first of all, to see it at times. When the past comes in it tends to come in with a wallop, charging up our nervous system with so much distress that it doesn’t feel like it’s in the past. “It’s happening NOW.”
We all say that.
And despite how much work I’ve done on myself over the years, the same thing happens to me.
Here’s a recent scenario:
My very trusted spiritual teacher gave me three assignments to be done by the end of the month when I meet with him. They were each coming at different times over the month. Two of them I had enough time to get the material, listen to the material, do the homework. No problem meeting the deadline. The third, though, would only be downloadable a couple days before our next retreat which was also the deadline for turning in material.
The catch was I was going to be on vacation during those two days with who knows what kind of Wi-Fi ability to pick up the material.
Those of you who are familiar with the Becoming Safely Embodied skills will recognize this as a Parallel Lives “moment.”
On one hand – the present life reality – really it’s no big deal. I could download the material at some point and write up what I need to do to get it in on time. Sure it would be a pain in the – well, any part of the body – but I could do it.
That’s not the problem – or the trigger.
The trigger came like an arrow right into the heart of a cluster of icky stuff. I could feel all kinds of bitterness and upset and disgust and wanting to write off the teacher, the path, the methods – everything.
Plus I didn’t, repeat after me DIDN’T, want to deal with the underlying feelings that were flooding up from the old, old, old past. Haven’t I already dealt with this? (How many times have any of us said that!)
I have dealt with it, but obviously not with this part of it.
It took me a good 48 hours to be willing to sit with it. I could feel impulses of wanting to blame, judge, criticize, make wrong. I did write a note to the teacher and was enough in my right mind to speak openly, owning my upset without blaming (well, I hope I didn’t leak too much) and making wrong. That, unfortunately, didn’t clean up the goop clogging my nervous system.
So….. I knew I had to sit with it. When I did that the time for a preliminary run though I got the general picture, the reasons why spiritual figures can be so triggering and upsetting, especially when it feels like they (the authority/power figure) isn’t or doesn’t seem to be interested or care about how their decisions affect me.
Okay. I got that part of the mess.
But yuck of all yucks, getting it, understanding it, wasn’t enough to clear out the gunk.
With that I had a session with my trusty healer and, boy, was that a cleaning out. I got in touch with this incredible bitterness and hatred that I was completely unaware of. If you had asked me about it before this incident I might have considered, intellectually at least, that it was there but I definitely didn’t have an experiential awareness of it.
Well, now I do. I’m grateful for the many, many, many years of healing that I’ve done. It allowed me to be with this experience in my body and let it both come up and then let it go.
The reason I’m sharing this with you is to keep encouraging you.
Trust that you can and will get through whatever gunk you are dealing with. The past will keep intruding, you will get upset, you will get the marvelous (!) opportunity to walk through the gunk.
Take that opportunity.
Do it consciously, kindly, and with the intention to generate love out of whatever horrible material you are walking through.
The key that will help you is to be willing to see this triggering moment as the past intruding. This is not about denying anything but accepting with a heart willing to bear and witness and love whatever has happened to you and to anyone else. The freedom comes when you realize you don’t have to continue to be wounded and pained by it.
Simply put: freedom is possible. You matter. Your life is important and you are valuable and wanted on the planet. We need your contribution! We need your energy.
A quick and simple example is a poem that Michelle wrote and sent to me. It was wonderful, so much so that I asked her if we could post it on the blog. She gave her permission. Then people commented and said how much it meant to them.
I made sure Michelle got the comments. Here’s what she wrote in response:
Thank you so much for letting me know about this. I am really grateful and touched that somehow what I wrote matters to someone. You are so kind to forward this comment to me. Somehow, I just cannot believe that anyone can relate to this. It is remarkable to me, remarkable.
If you feel moved, let her know by posting a comment and help to make a difference in the world.
It also helps me know what your experience is when you read why I write. I like to know if what I’m doing makes a difference to you. Go ahead! Leave me a comment below 🙂