17 May [Article] Growing Self-Compassion = Less Reactivity and
Compassion always sounds like a good idea yet when we’re in the dumps it seems a looooong way away from. Unattainable, almost.
I’m mulling this around especially since leading a Mindful Self-Compassion course with Cecilia Fernandez-Hall, especially since people always want to know what helps them heal. Really the question is, often unspoken but there none the less, how do I get out of this mess, as quickly as possible?
Ever have that thought?
Sometimes people are concerned that being compassionate is about doing nothing, being passive but not making a change in life circumstances or to better the world.
“It is not enough to be compassionate. You must act. There are two aspects to action. One is to overcome the distortions and afflictions of your own mind, that is, in terms of calming and eventually dispelling anger. This is action out of compassion. The other is more social, more public. When something needs to be done in the world to rectify the wrongs, if one is really concerned with benefitting others, one needs to be engaged, involved.”
The Dalai Lama Ocean of Wisdom: Guidelines for Living, 1989
True compassion though impels us to action
So, basically, the Dalai Lama is saying we need to act whether internally to shift our lives (i.e., heal better faster….) or externally to make the world a better place.
There are two basic approaches to healing our inner world. One way is to reduce symptoms through techniques and the other way is to change how we relate to our symptoms. Compassion can ease our symptoms and will definitely change our experience of those symptoms.
Research: Growing Self-Compassion = Less Reactivity, More Acceptance
Research by Leary Tate, Adams, Allen, and Hancock (2007) indicated that higher self-compassion results in less reactivity, more acceptance, and the ability to put things into perspective even while being non-defensive when taking responsibility.
To get here, though, we first need to know what is going on. We need to know what is activating our experience of suffering. Kristin Neff and Chris Germer (whose curriculum we’re using in the Mindful Self-Compassion course) call this a moment of mindfulness. Before we move toward action we need to first know that we are getting activated.
Then we need to know what we need
Compassion asks us to know that I’m suffering when I am. Compassion invites us into connecting with our bodies, knowing, feeling how bad it is, not to wallow in it but to feel into it, to sense what the underlying need is.
That’s often the hard part. When you’re asked what do you need, how do you respond?
Many times people will answer, “I need to win the lottery,” or “When I get in (or out) of a relationship,” or “When I change jobs.” In other words, when my external circumstances change – THEN – my suffering will end.
This is when we look right into the heart of attachment theory and where self-compassion intersects with the meditation and yogic traditions. They all suggest that it’s not about changing our external situation. It is about “being with” what is happening with compassion.
Radical Promise of Self-Compassion
The beauty, in fact the radical promise of self-compassion is that if we feel into our suffering we actually have the key to heal. That key comes from knowing what we need right now.
Simple things, like needing warmth and connection, or to relax a little, or to hear a kind word.
Once we have access to that present-moment need we can then respond to the need and relieve the present moment suffering, perhaps not in taking away the circumstances but attending in a small way to the place of pain inside.
It always amazes me that small gestures like putting my hand on my chest or cheek or listening to soothing music or reading something that meets me right where I am can make such a difference.
Try it sometime.
Instead of beating yourself up, being critical of yourself or someone else, try catching yourself in the moment of being critical, judgmental, blaming, nasty (or any variation of those) and instead pause, noticing what you are doing, and pivot a little.
Let yourself be moved by the suffering. Move into, lean into, turn toward that moment of suffering.
Sense into that suffering. What need is buried in this suffering?
What small thing can you do to meet that need?
Want to test how compassionate you are? Try this http://www.self-compassion.org/test-your-self-compassion-level.html
As always, I want to hear about your exploration. Take a moment and comment.
May all our hearts be easy. Held in the gentle knowing that we’re not alone. Know that around you even though unknown to you are people who are walking the same path, looking for the same connections and healing. I pray that you will come to know that you are loved and cared about.