03 Sep What to do when triggered …..
After a life of living with shame I know it’s possible to heal. For fun, I created a “calling card” with my current status!
Recently we had some beloved family over who have a 15 year old son. It was wonderful to see them.
And I got triggered.
Yuck. I hate getting triggered. I hate the residue that lingers through the next hours and sometimes days. I watched my mind go through all kinds of strategies after they left, wanting to avoid them again, blame, withdraw, reject.
Instead of collapsing into shame I’ve learned, over the many hard years of working with attachment triggers, that they are guidance, pointing me toward something.
In this case being triggered opened up the many ways my dad treated me (and all my siblings) and how I saw my dear family member showing the same behaviors to his son.
These implicit memories in me were made explicit in what I saw outside. In the Becoming Safely Embodied Skills we call them “Time Capsules” of experience that, when triggered reveal the body memories and psychological impact of what we’ve pushed away in order to live.
I watched the strategies automatically come on line to deal with this the yucky feelings the memories produced. My usual bike ride tends to clear the gunk. It was a bit harder this time.
It got clearer when I sat with the inquiry that helps me orient most in my life: Who do I want to be around this? Do I want to withdraw from these beloveds? Do I want to criticize them? Blame them? Think I’m better than them?
No.
The only thing to do then, in this circumstance, with these people was to pick up the phone. Apologize for my reactivity, listen to how hard it is for them, share what the triggered time capsule opened up in me.
Did it make it all better?
Yes and no. The reality is they have things to deal with that are beyond their control – and certainly beyond mine. But what came out of the conversation was connection, affiliation, memories of caring for each other and being aware of the suffering they are in.
How do you deal with getting triggered around family, or people that you love? What helps you? Or makes it doubly hard for you?
However, we each do it I’m sending goodness. May we all find the compassionate way through to heal any kind of wound.