01 Sep What’s me? What’s You? The Self-Other Dilemma
All relationships involve skirmishes. It’s sort of a given. It’s also why some people avoid getting close to others because those skirmishes can be disruptive.
I’ve had my fair share over the years. They happen, like the one I had the other day with a colleague that I actually like really well.
While some of these skirmishes are private, this one wasn’t. It was in front of three other colleagues that I also really like and hold in high regard. In fact, these are a select and wonderful group of people (I include myself in that) that get together to explore what it means to heal. Every month, sometimes more often, we get together to explore what comes up in any connection.
Every interaction is loaded with “stuff.”
Inside every interaction is the unfinished, undigested “stuff” of our past, our unmet needs and longings, or hopes and wishes. If we’re lucky we’re able to acknowledge to ourselves, and each other all the varied layers of communication going on but often so much gets left out.
The problem for many of us is that we’re pretty sensitive emotionally and energetically. Not only have we learned to duck and swerve in the verbal language of interaction, we’ve also been trained to duck and swerve the unconscious communications, the subtext that’s being communicated, generally not in words.
Back to the skirmish
Okay, without getting heady about this, let’s go back to the skirmish I just had. Let’s use it as a template for almost any interaction any of us have that gets complicated.
Person A is rather relaxed and easy, laughing and joking. Person B comes in having been in a painful upset with an important person. Person B is tender. (We all certainly know what that’s like. When our hearts are hurt or tender we want to protect ourselves. )
Person B tells person A and others that person B’s heart is sore. Person A says something trying to be inclusive. Person B says something that has person A feel stung resulting in person A pulling back and not wanting to engage anymore. (Don’t suppose any of this sounds familiar to you?)
The situation gets enflamed.
Luckily this cohort of people is able to slow down the process and peek under the flamed interactions. Skipping to the end of the meeting this particular situation got a lot clearer and Persons A, B, C, D, and E left mostly all feeling better. As with any skirmish, though, there will need to be some later repair. This repair is essential in relational conflict.
Let’s look under the situation to see what’s there.
This skirmish example got me wondering about something that has been an enduring exploration for me in life. In an interaction, What’s me? What’s you? And how do I tell the difference?
Over the years I’ve learned (like so many of us) that I am an emotional/psychic sponge.
I pick up a lot of external, non-verbal communication. I’ve learned to turn that into a helpful healing tool as a therapist, however, for many, many years I thought all the “stuff” I was feeling was me, that the overwhelming internal cacophony was mine, that I was the problem.
Although it was hard, I was lucky to have a lot of people around me who reinforced that. These patterns in me would get pinged.
Healing attachment wounds has similar approaches to yogic psychology. Those pinged patterns are meant to orient us to our unfinished “stuff.”
Given that, as Yvonne Agazarian who taught me about groups says, in groups and interaction we volunteer for a role whether or not we know it.
My role, one survival strategy that I used in my life that seemed so easy and comfortable to assume, was to volunteer to be the emotional sponge, the role of letting myself be filled up with whatever disowned feelings were caught in the gulf stream of human interaction around me.
I learned this role so well that I forgot I had taken it on.
Not all of us take on this particular role; we all have our own unique strategies. Some of us take on the role of being better than another, or being less than another, or being the teacher, or the seductress, or victimized by life, or… well, actually I’d love to hear from you what your favorite role is.
Whichever role/pattern we take on we can get caught in it. It becomes real and our stories get wrapped up around it.
The problem is the role, the pattern, the strategy feels real. The problem is we don’t feel like we can change it.
The dilemma revolves around where the psychic boundary is between one person and the other person.
When I get filled up with a feeling is it because I am feeling it or because that feeling is the vapor around me. When it’s happening in the moment we don’t always know.
It gets even more complicated when one person who is feeling a lot of feeling says, well, no. They’re not feeling that feeling.
There can be all kinds of reasons why we say we’re not feeling something. Sometimes we do that for protective reasons, sometimes because we really don’t know we’re doing what we’re doing.
Whatever the case, the more disowned it is in one person the more it seems to float around with more charge.
People who grew up in families that aren’t emotionally “intelligent” often get confused in this area.
So, you’re wondering what to do about this? How to explore it yourself?
The big rule of thumb that I emphasize a lot in the Becoming Safely Embodied Skills is if the feeling is out of proportion then it’s most likely a triggered feeling, not necessarily pertaining to the present moment.
In relationships the general rule of thumb is similar: the only difference is you need to know your own trigger/reaction cycle. Once you’re familiar with how you get triggered you can then start to distinguish your cycle from whatever else is filling you up.
When you’re with someone and the feelings are overwhelming try using this as a guide:
Part A:
- Are you triggered? If so, name the emotion. The Becoming Safely Embodied skills are helpful here. (and yes, we’ve been getting a lot of questions if we’re doing another BSE this fall – we are. If you’re interested in getting information when it’s ready let me know by clicking here)
- If you were feeling fine right before this happened and now you are feeling it’s too big for the moment AND you’ve looked at your own triggered cycle then, and really only then, it’s time to sort out what’s happening in the relationship or around you.
Part B:
- Now’s the tricky part. Is it your feeling? Almost certainly some of it is your feeling, after all its sticking to you in some Velcro kind of way so it stands to reason that you have some stuff holding you to the Velcro bond. Using mindfulness, name what’s happening in you. How did this (whatever it is) trigger you, even if it’s only 3% your “stuff.”
- At the same time, maybe it’s not -just- yours. Ask yourself, “How much of the feeling is mine?” It might be 3%, 10%, 35%, 70%? Whatever is yours is yours to look and clear. The other percentage is important not to take in, not to absorb.
- There’s a whole bunch of practices that can support taking the emotional trash out of your body.
How to do just that will have to be the subject of another ezine. As I’m writing this I realize how much is involved in this.
And, of course, sometimes it’s not as easy as it sounds. It can take time to sort it all out. Getting some competent help can make all the difference.
Want more?
The Becoming Safely Embodied Skills are a proven way to build you this inner foundation. Click here to find out more information as it becomes available.